Personal

Mommie Diary- I am back? Cancer(not me),Stress, anxiety, Globus sensation, ect….

Aug. 1st

Dear Diary,

Do not know how to properly title this entry. It was a crazy extrememly stressful month. One that literally made me sick….

Let me start from the beginning. About 6 weeks ago(not sure exactly, all a fog) my dad had to have surgery for a hernia. It was surgery that took longer than expected. Apparently they found that his stomache was fused to one of his longs. All was good. I was not to worried. My dad may be nearing his 80’s but he is strong and fairly healthy for a man his age. He actually healed better than even what the Doctors had expected. Later they did a scan to make sure everything was fine but apparently they saw some legions on one of his lungs and wanted a biopsy ASAP. Again not worried but I got a message saying how it was cancer. I do need to say how this was a quick non extensive biopsy. I cried. That was my dad. I love my dad. And I do NOT do well in these kinds of situations.

They wanted to do a more extensive biospy which was scheduled a week after the call. What made all this worse is my sister. Sending me messages asking if I heard about the news of my dad. Hmmm yes I talk to my mom every single day like 20x a day. Well she goes on telling me how my dad is stage 4 lung cancer and how she can help me fly down to see him. Acting like he was dying soon. I freaked thinking my mom was withholding information that there was more to the story. Sending my poor messages asking her what the hell is the truth and so on… But she kept insisting that there was no stage 4 diagnosis and has no idea where my sister got that from.

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Second biospy was done. Doctor told my mom that they got a good 6 to 8 samples from different locations. Also said looks to be a slow growing yet heredity form of cancer. Which is weird because we have no family history of cancer. Apparently that information literally sent me into a stress/health kind of anxiety. I was not only terrified that my dad was going to die but caused some fear in my own health. It was getting so bad that I had to block my sister from all the crap she was saying. I even developed this lump in my throat sensation. So did not help my anxiety. I was shaking, and crying 24/7. It was getting bad.

About 5 days later my mom sent me message saying no cancer was found in the second biopsy. But will be going to the board of Doctors. Now I was a bit relieved and very thankful. That was short lived. The news of the board not to mention my freak of a sister insisting that the biopsy still was not good enough that they wanted a needle biopsy. Something which my sister was pushing for……

I was not getting better. All this flip flopping was not helping. I wanted to believe the second biopsy no cancer biopsy. But body and mind did not want to accept it no thanks to my sister. The lump in throat sensation was not going away. I kept checking my neck for any lumps. Poking at my neck constantly made it hurt which in turn made my mind go off on a whole new set of illnesses. Even worse I got the first covid pfizer shot but fear caused issues with me wanting to risk the second. Yes! I will get it so do not be judging.

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Not sleeping, not eating , crying and fears going through my head non stop. If I did fall asleep I would wake up with panic attacks.

I found some christian mediations along with the other kind. I know follow this wonder lady who with her husband have a youtube channel called Boho Beautiful Yoga. Everyday and every night I have been doing both. Family member freak that I do the non christian mediations. Stupid. Nothing can take me from God. It has helped me ALOT! I am finding the lump sensation is easing up a bit. Not completely. Mostly at night or if I let in the fear. Going back to doing my Yoga. Stopped due to all this crap going on.

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Oh, when my mom told me about how they now want the third biopsy(needle). I let her know that I can not deal anymore. I need to get my mind straingt. I want nothing but positive no negative. And I did not want to hear my sisters name being mentioned -PERIOD!. Let her know about my anxitey. Which she complied but, still every time the damn phone went off I felt that ping on panic.

Friday morning received a message from my mom. Like I said before get these moments of panic everytime I see that she is sending me a message. Well this 3rd and final biopsy confirms NO CANCER. They think now its just a fugus and it is treatable. My daddy will live to see his 80th and with Gods blessing his 90th or beyond.

My globus sensation has eased up alot. Wish it would completely go. Heard it can take months. I went to a spa for a massage. Didn’t really have the money but read it helps with stress and anxiety. Wow my body was full of knots. I can not believe how sick this has literally made me. Physically and mentally.

This did help me get closer to GOD. I learned how wonderful both types of mediations are and have no plans to stop. Learned how to eat healthy. Cut out processed foods. Cut out sugar(enough in order to have desserts which I will not give up). I want to have a very long, healthy and stress free life(hopefully)…. I need to especially now- I am going to be a grandmother.

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I may not be posting as often. Still have to work all this out with myself. But for now I am happy and hope things will improve.

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