So sorry I have not written. Just intended to take the weekend off to just enjoy time with the kids. Well, Friday was to just take the time to remember my mommie Guela(Abuela). Her death has always been real hard on me. Again 17 years later and has yet to get any better. I will give a brief run down.
Friday– Just wanted to cry all damn day. I miss her so freaken much. Her food, Her cooking, Her moving the furniture around and forgetting where she moved it(She was blind), Her good old fashion superstitions such as no talking while breastfeeding. Despite being sad I still managed to cook, clean and deal with kids.
Just Spiraled out of control………………………………………….
Saturday– Just did not want to get up. As always trouble sleeping, hot flashes ect… Alway up early. Hoping to hear my husband in the Kitchen cooking breakfast. When that first kid gets up is when I get my ass up and out of bed. Someone has to make them food. Thankfully I had cereal. These last few day I have not at all been motivated to cook the usual sausage and eggs for breakfast. Think I just had coffee. I stayed in my room while the kids watched tv or played games in the living room.
Sunday– Basically a repeat of Saturday. Usually I had my little buddy for Sunday Snuggle but he seemed to have other plans. Video games of course. Had plans to get the kids donuts but husband did not get up until around 11am. So yup cereal again. No idea what was wrong with me. I just sat in my room crying. Every now and then a kids would try to cheer me up. Giving me kisses and tell me everything would be ok. As the day went on the tighter my chest became. I felt like I could not breath. I felt panicky, dizzy, stressed and cried uncontrollably. Can we say PANIC ATTACK. I felt lost. I could not tell my husband about my feelings. Last time this happened he just said ” Things are fine! There is no reason for you to feel like this” . He no longer notices me anyway. Too damn busy playing the game with his online friends. Kids were good. Went to bed when I asked them. As for me well took awhile but I managed to cry myself to sleep. Still the usual wake up 2 to 3 times.
Monday– Again up before anyone. I guess kids asked their dad for donuts because he left early to pick some up before they got up. And before kids got up I sat in bed thinking on how to get a handle of myself. Decided to search out a Yoga to help deal with the anxiety/stress and panic attacks. Kids up, fed and on zoom. Husband had to run his job for anything work related. Ugh I need him to get back to work. Anyway while they were all preoccupied I locked myself in the room and did some YOGA. It so helped. I loved it but think I will have to do it more then once a day.
Tuesday– I dont know if I told you but I have been trying to schedule out my days. Finding it to be real helpful. Maybe by keeping to a set schedule would help with the anxiety. To feel less rushed. From what time to wake up, make breakfast, zoom sessions, time for reading, when to pay bills, my yoga and so on… And well after my weekend panic attack I think I need to keep to that schedule and do more yoga. I scheduled some baking time. (C) asked if I could make some desserts. I made Pot de Creme and chocolate chip cookies.
Pretty decent day. Had to do the Yoga for anxiety 2x today. The younger kids had a bit of trouble behaving. Stayed out of the bedroom for the majority of the day. Coffee time was in the room. Husband was being a bit loud on the game. Can’t deal with alot of loud noise.
Pot de creme came out silky smooth and very delicious. Schedule for tomorrow is done. Read a bit. Now time for bed. I will do my best to keep writing but not going to promise. Taking it one day at a time from here on out.