Should I be grateful?-Diary

March 11th- Thursday

Dear Diary,

Menopause, Menopause-I hate you! Yes I do…. When is this crap going to end. Hot flash, wake up, kick off blankets, go back to sleep. Cold, wake up, cover up with blankets. Repeat at least 4x through out the night. Tossing in the having to pee at least once.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on

Wake up at 7am with yet another hot flash but this time I figure why the hell try to go back to sleep for the one extra hour. I just sit in bed wondering how my day will go.

The Jr. High kids done have zoom so I let them sleep in a bit. Got the two who had zoom up. (G) really loves his reading teacher. Amazing how he has improved since she began helping. He even participates.

Tired and lazy so no all out breakfast today. Felt terrible because I made kids cinnamon toast with some milk. We did not have cereal otherwise I would have made them a bowl and would have felt better doing so…

Lined up 6 coffee cups, put 1tablespoon of syrup in each and one by one made their drinks. Right as if on cue my husband comes into the kitchen asking if I needed help. Yup, I was already done.

Photo by Charlotte May on

He got onto his game while I cleaned house. I now have to a clean sweep in (C) room. Don’t know what is going on but wow he has become a slob. How that kid went for being a clean freak like his lovely mother to being a smelly slob is beyond me. So I go in each morning, put everything back in order, vacuum, disinfect and open the window to air out the room. Even put a trash can hoping some trash will make it in and not under his bed(pillows). I know he is a teen and that could be the reason for his sudden(yes, I know not a word but..) pigness. I can’t stand messes. And I can’t stand weird smells.

Photo by Tatiana Syrikova on

Cleaning I thought that if I vacuumed the sofa, sprayed with lysol and tossed a fresh clean blanket onto the recliner part, that I could get (R) to finally sit. Ok I feel like such a bad mom. Like all these problems with the boys are my fault. (R) with his anxiety and issues with germs. Just so much going on and I have tried my best to help. But this time I was able to make something work for him. He sat on the sofa. First time in a year. Progress. Between yesterday and today made a positive difference.

At lunch time I tossed some corn dogs in the oven for the kids.

Reminded my husband that today was the last day to return the humidifier. We were finally able to get the proper return code to the matching store. He quickly ended his gave with a promise to his friends that he would hurry. How sweet we have to rush for his gaming friends.

I wanted (R) to go with us but he put on a movie and was relaxing on the sofa. He did promise to go with us to pick up groceries Friday morning. (C) went with us instead. At first he was not being pleasent. All because of the corn dog. Picky kid. I have such a hard time finding food he will eat. As always my husband thinks that there is no need to save and wanted to get fast food. Did not feel like hearing him get mad and since I will not eat crap food suggested sandwiches at the Corner Bakery. (C) ate the sandwich we got for him. So surprised but happy.

Photo by Lachlan Ross on

After we dropped the humidifier at Kohls, driving home my husband thought he would tell me that I should be happy. After all, he did buy me flowers on Monday and he took me out to run errands two days in a row. It made me feel like he did it not to spend time with me but like it was done so he could get something in return. Especially when the moment we get inside the house he was back on the game. Headphones on.

(R) is feeling better about being out in the living room sitting on the sofa. He ate dinner out there and we had our coffee time out there. Not stuck in our room. It was so nice being there with ALL my boys. Just wish my husband would have taken time away from his game and spent true quality time with us. He seems to think as long as he is sitting there he is spending time with us.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on

Yoga was really helpful today. Well the winding down one was… I am so damn tired, unhappy, stressed. Trying to be healthy, trying to make kids happy and figuring out ways to make my husband see that he needs to pay attention to us. I won’t give up on trying to make my kids happy. I wont give up helping (R) with his anxiety issues. I wont give up trying to find ways to get (C) to eat better. But I am coming close to giving up on my husband.

I made me and (R) tea. He just let me know that he liked all of us being in the living room watching tv. Seeing him happy literally made my day.

I dont know if I will write tomorrow. It is the anniversary of my abuelas’ death. 17 years and still not easy for me. I love her, I miss her. She made the best coffee. I would trade my Nespresso for a cup of her coffee anyday.

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